


Why can't I just Die?

by DizeruFrost



Category: Splatoon, Splatoon Manga - Fandom, coroika - Fandom
Genre: Depression, Mask has depression, Other, Polyamorous Character, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:33:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24942370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DizeruFrost/pseuds/DizeruFrost
Summary: Mask has always been a downer, always been one to hate on other's happy lives.Because he's never had his own happy life.As he spiral down into painful madness due to depression and insomnia's hallucinations, all he can think about is the first cut, the next cut, and then the last one he'll ever have. All that's left for him to think about is closing those pupils he use to see the colours of the world around him to finally not feel these stabbing pains in his heart.Can anybody stop him?This story is a repost from Wattpad. The story's chapters might be edited to either fix grammatical errors, clarify, make chapters longer/more engaging, and to possibly fix the odd plot hole that is formed. This story is not finished, please do not treat it as such. Thank you.
Relationships: Aloha/Army/Mask/Skull (Splatoon), Poly S4
Kudos: 14





	Why can't I just Die?

A sorrowful night, body feeling swept away in a void of forever falling.  
I see nothing but darkness and blurred faces of those I love.  
But why can't I see more clearly to fully know I'm telling you these thoughts?  
Why can't I see if I'm a fool telling problems to a liar?

Mask lay on his bed, face buried in the suffocating fabric and mattress he calls a bed. His body felt numb besides the warmth spread across his face from crying his eyes dry. He barely could breathe through the pillow, through the snot and tears he cries, through the painful thoughts he had. He didn't feel happiness, a will to continue. Yet he rolled over to take a choked gasp for the sweet fresh air of his room. His body trembled and shivered as he now lay on his back and recover from his crying session that had been going on for hours, not a wink of sleep between it all.

Yet he stands up after a bit more demotivating thoughts.

Mask shakily stood up, nearly falling from how weak he was from not eating. He trembled more as he simply wipes away his pathetic tears, eyes puffier. They always believed the hayfever acting up an excuse, it was ridiculously easy to get away with being an emotional wreck. How funny how the ones you've known for years never seem to notice your weaknesses.

Mask pushed out of his room, ignoring each of the S4's fellow rooms and sliding down the hallway to get some pain killers. The medicine he had affectionately named Happy Pills. His steps light and stumbly, he staggered into the bathroom to basically fall over and grasp the handle for the medicine cabinet to be opened. His hands instantly grabbed the white bottle of pills and turned the cap for the scent of his candies to fill his senses. He needily just shook the bottle for two tiny pills to fall out and shoved them into his mouth dry.

His tastebuds were numb to the taste of the pills so he barely reacted to even having them. He swallowed their bitterness down and sighed with some sort of relief. Mask then just set down the pills into their respective place besides what else was there. He looked towards his pills meant for his hayfever and grasped one of the bottles there to take one. Again, dry. He placed it back where it was meant to go before standing up less shakily and exiting the bathroom. At this point, it was nearly time Army would be waking up so he had to hurry back to his room. Maybe escapism would be fine for now.

As Mask slide into his room, he tiredly just turned on his gamer PC and slid on his headphones. He sniffled and entered in his password on the glowing keyboard he coloured after people he loved. His excuse for it if anyone saw was just because 'It's just a keyboard. Plus, I live with these dumbass squids.' Feelings for them were probably just one way anyways. He then just sighed and clicked onto his games to play and found himself just absent-mindedly playing a rhythm game. His fingers may tap each key on point, but he wasn't truly enjoying himself at this time.

As each calm tap and flex of his fingers get him closer to the end of the song  
As each moment he tears himself away from reality go on  
As each thought whirr in his poisoned and toxic brain  
He still hurt deep inside himself.

Mask's clicks began to slow as he realized his name was being called. He checked the time carefully and coughed at the fact he'd wasted two hours away from playing this game and he hadn't realized it. His hands shook as he now paused the game and stand up to open his door and whisper out a croaked.  
"Whaaaaat?"

"Mask my guy, you're going to miss the toast and scrambled eggs- Get down here before we devour them without you~!"

Aloha's voice rang out down the hall as Mask stare at him being all smiley and happy at the seventeenth step of our staircase and feel a stab in my heart, one mixed with jealousy yet love for his attitude. The cyan inkling grumbled and walked down the small hallway to the stairs slower than anyone else in the house like every other day.  
"You can haaave them fooor aall I care, Alooha..."  
He grumbled, only coming so they weren't going to pester him any longer. He wasn't going to eat, he was going to simply drink water and say he got up in the night to eat, so he wasn't hungy

Such a simple thing to do.

Mask walk down and at the last creaky step, he turns to avoid the living room's couches lousily and slid into the kitchen. Aloha had run so fast that he was already sitting and excitedly kicking his legs a bit while laughing at his own jokes with Skull just listening along. Mask forced himself to ignore the painful feeling of need and want for a simple bite of food and of course an I love you from someone as he grabbed a glass of water.

"Mask, are you hungry today?"  
Army asked, the short boy cooking eggs on the stove and carefully watching the toast in the toaster on the side every now and then. Mask said nothing at first as a short moment of no reaction before finally doing so. He looked up and quietly shook his head, forcing the glass of water to his lips for him to simply take a drink of it. His reaction to having the liquid in his mouth and eventually down his throat was a slight gag.

Mask then looked towards Aloha and Skull again, biting his lip softly before looking back to Army. His heart continued to ache as he just sighed and so he looked down at his cup of water. He sipped more of the liquid and then reached to put it gently in the sink before dropping it and shattering the glass in the metal liquid providing tub. He barely reacted and sighed softly, letting out a gentle 'Sorry'. He lost track of his hearing and just simply picked up the larger shards to clean them out the sink. His hands stung as he grasped each shard a bit too tight, yet he continued to do so with each shard he adds to his collection of things to clean up.

He felt like nobody was there, so he acted like it, ignoring sounds, ignoring sights. So he just walked towards the trash can to simply drop the shards into the trash, then balling his hands back to fists and grumbling ever so softly;  
"I'll be iiiiin my rooooom.."  
He turned around but felt the hand of someone on his back and therefore they tug on his shirt. Annoyance and confusion filled him so he turned around to face Army, struggling to look down at his height.

"Mask, is your hand okay?"  
Army asked softly, blinking with concern filling the orange eyes that now devoted their attention towards Mask instead of the breakfast. However much Mask knew the true answer to that question though, his mind was one of the good lies to hide the rotten apple underneath that sweet caramel coating. So he nodded briefly and tightened his fists to not let the blood pour from the palms.

"..Iiiii'm fine..."  
For a moment, even Mask himself believed that sweet little lie. He blinked, world darkening as he opened them again. The world around him just showed him the truth, really. Army hates him for never caring. Aloha hates him because he's unhappy. Skull hates him for just being in the way. How come he loved those who hate him?

He opened his eyes again to see their shells and personas of caring for him and stayed silent, walking away to the staircase, one step after another made him get closer to his room where he could hide from the world. Just ignore another pointless day.

So Mask sat in his room again on his bed to sulk like that one book on your bookshelf you'll never read. You own it, have a general idea of it... But the content is unknown otherwise. As he thought of these ways to describe how worthless he was, those painful stabbing tears pricked his eyes as he began to cry again. His chest tightened and hurt, so he locked his door before burying his face into the pillow of his bed. Tears as a result just rained down across the land.

Despite my love for those noon hours, the void begins to swallow me more as I continue falling.  
I see darkness, and amalgamations of colour I wish my eyes would identify as you.  
But why can't I see things without their true value smeared across so I can tell you my thoughts?  
Why can't I see things without the blood and tears blinding a pathetic fool like me?

Mask felt his tears begin to stop pouring from the puffy eyes of sickness and sulking, and so the cries and sniffles stopped as well. He tiredly wiped his tears away with his bloodied hands, therefore, smeared it across his face. His body shook with tired pains, a raging headache making him want to sleep despite knowing he could not. He just shook and aimed to grab his gas mask, struggling to grip it and therefore getting some cyan blood across it. He didn't care. He never cared. 

Mask just stood up and staggered once more before sliding the mask he was named for onto his face with a click of the straps. He relaxed his body before beginning to walk to his desk to get one of his Lysol wipes he used to clean his computer monitor rather often. His hands, despite healed by themselves, burned softly as he wiped down his mask to get the blood to abandon the surface of it. His hands then shakily let go of the wipe to drop it onto his desk. The cyan squid just simply grabbed his phone from his desk before walking away from his room and down the hall.

It was the same as every other day at this point. Loud muffled music in Aloha's room, Army probably writing in his manual either in his room or at the supper table, and Skull eating candy on the couch. Mask always blocked everything out though, so much so he barely noticed if any of the members looked at him. He slid down into the bathroom and locked the door before tiredly staring at himself in the mirror. His smeared blood across his face made him look just extra tired when he had his mask aligned on his face. He ignored the pathetic sight he was though and flopped on the floor looking through the cabinet to find the cheap razor pack that everyone used in the building.

Mask usually hurt himself in very small ways before all this.  
Biting of his skin.  
Picking scabs.  
Scratching.  
Pinching.

But after he cut himself on the glass, it gave him more feeling in his life other than emptiness. So here he was, grabbing one of the fresh razors and clicking out the metal part with a small cut to his thumb. The numbness was deadly as he simply pull up his shorts best he could and began to lace his legs with decorated blood and cuts. His hands shook and he did hesitate at each chance he got to, before just cutting again for more feelings. Pain, anger, regret, anything but sad emptiness.

Before he knew it though, he heard someone knocking on the door to get him out.   
"Mask, hurry the fuck up taking a fat shit, cause I need to piss!"  
Aloha was there again. Of course.  
Mask just sighed dully and slid the razor he used by the rest, not even bothering to clean it. Though, he did get one of the black towels that everyone used after showers to clean the floor of his pathetic blood and to clean his legs. He then just pulled his shorts over the cuts and stood up in pain. Boy did it hurt.

But like Mask cared anymore. He unlocked the door and walked out quietly without saying anything to Aloha, head down as he ignores one of his reasons for carrying on. His legs carried him back to the end of the hall where he turned to the left to just go into his room and relock the door. He began to zone out again during this time, the world morphing around him to show him what he never wanted to see. Figures of those he love, colours weaving into their shapes yet not quite capturing their faces.

"You can tell us anything you know, but then again- we might just pity you."  
"We might not care at all."  
"We're friends though, right?"

Mask's headache returned, adding to the rest of his current physical problems. Why did he have to be so weak to his mind? The mind that pulled the strings of reality around his neck for choking cries to wrack his body. He was manipulative, he was a trickster, but his mind was the biggest trick of them all and it had gone against him. The world around him began to darken in his sights and he began to squeeze the wounds on his legs to make them bleed, looking for the same relief he had in the kitchen and the bathroom. Mask found none.

The horrible thoughts brought him to silent crying that shook his body like he was in a washing machine, the thoughts drowning him as he was bleached in sickening venomous truths. His breathing became very irregular after a while, making him let out frantic pants with strained words escaping his lips. Sure, he could understand them but of course, nobody else would. His crying was just another way for his brain to play with the body it had been gifted to control, and it was giving him so many wretched thoughts.

How come his thoughts just kept rushing up to pull at his heart.  
Why was everything connected?

Mask just gave into his urges to gasp for air to not die from holding back his cries before burying his face back in that pillow. He kept crying as the thoughts whirred on and spread to every part of his brain. If only he didn't feel such ways.

It felt like five minutes of the horrible crying he had every day, every night, but in fact it had been about twenty minutes of it. Mask didn't care however, he just went to his PC and decided to finally interact with his fellow team members. He slid into his seat, not bothering to put on his headphones and deciding to just simply type into their group chat. He blinked the dry tears and blood from his eyes a bit with a feeling of cracking as he sent out;

[Hi]

. . .

Five minutes went by.

. .

Silence. He angled his sight towards the member list of the group chat to see that they in fact were online but not playing anything? and so he refreshed his page to see if the app was playing tricks on him. He looked towards the member list desperately to see if one of them were playing games. The only one playing games was Jersey, so was Luna and Designer just busy?  
Th-they had to be, they wouldn't ignore him.

Mask decided to send another message, hands shaking as he types out very simply;

[Hello?]

He waited again, the silence almost painful, and felt tears begin to prick his eyes. He thought the only people he could talk to were ignoring him for something else. His mind gave those familiar choking thoughts to the spotlight of his broken processers, their ability to intoxicate him so quickly pained him more from the sudden change in mood. 

Mask coughed into his hand and felt horrible before going silent, refusing to let out any more pathetic noises. He needed more medicine, surely? That had to be it. However, he didn't have the energy to get his happy pills thankfully and just put his hand over his mouth to hide those noises. He was numb enough from everything around him, after all.

Mask just supposed he'd stay like this for a little longer now. 

Crying to nobody but himself about his problems and feeling worthless.

Crying as he accepted the faces he loved were just as he presumed they were.

Crying blurred their faces so much that it just took this much to finally realize the truth.

Crying so much too that he didn't see the notification before he closed the chat's window.

[Hey Mask!]

[Hewo!]

[Oh this chat is alive? Hi everyone!]

Maybe it was for the best though... Who knows what they would've found out if they spoke.

Mask has gone offline.

~~~~~  
Part one Originally created March 21st of 2020, part two Originally created March 23rd of 2020.  
Edits:  
-Merged two of the chapters together for more content, removed the ending of chapter one to better merge. -Fixing my older writing style to be more at the moment and less boring. Also fixed the plot problem that entails this has gone on for a while.  
-Some general grammar and spelling has been checked and corrected.

Possible problems:  
-Spell check being wrong and messing me up in general.  
-The odd thing still not making sense.


End file.
